cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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