They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
