Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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