My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
