how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
