bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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