i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
