no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
