how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
