And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
