my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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