Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
