Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
