I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish my penis had an off switch
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just blew my weed a kiss
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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