Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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