just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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