I love black thongs
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
