Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
