All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
