For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
