how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
