How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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