theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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