I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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