God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
