where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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