fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
