I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm jealous of your bromance
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
