bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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