Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I am mentally ready for anal.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
