I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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