ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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