Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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