someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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