So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
