He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
