I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
