I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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