im six kinds of drunk right now
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
