Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
whose parrot is this?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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