If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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