how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
