i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
