I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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