I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
