I am in a vortex of obligation.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
