Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
