I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
