Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
