You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
