Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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