I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
