remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
