I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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