You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
cat food counts as protein by the way
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
