According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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