My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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