someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
