I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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