My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just had sex bonerless
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
