i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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