I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
