So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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